Food on TV

I admit it. I watch a lot of tv. And I'll freely admit to watching a lot of pointless reality television. And not even the sort that appeals to my more, ahem, prurient interests. Heck, I watch House Hunters AND House Hunters International, two of the more pointless shows on television.

I also watch an awful lot of shows about food. And because I love you, I'm here to tell you what I think of them, in order of watchability. No, not every single show is listed here. I don't watch them all. If you want to, please do and set up your own damn blog.

1. Boiling Point-A BBC documentary about the opening of Gordon Ramsay's first restaurant. You want to know what it takes to open a three star restaurant? This is as close as you'll get. Fascinating. And raw. Affirms for all time Ramsay's unswervable commitment to his art and to his own set of standards, both professional and personal. Available to watch on Youtube.

2. Iron Chef-The grandaddy of them all. Note, this is not the American version that's not nearly as entertaining. This is the old school Japanese show that was emphatically not made for American viewers. The premise? Four Iron Chefs. The contestant picks one to compete against. They get an hour to cook as many dishes as they can using a mystery ingredient. Then those meals are judged by three people with only the vaguest connection to the food world. Seriously. A rasanjin scholar. (A type of ancient porcelain). A former legislator. A parade of winsome actresses. Minor athletes. All of which are apparently paid to say things like, "You have honored the liver of this monkfish." Very entertaining and compulsively weird watching. Like everything else that involves a competition, this show was taken waaaaayyyyy too seriously in Japan. If you've never seen it, you must. Note: The American version isn't nearly as compelling.

3. Top Chef-The best of the game show cooking shows. This has evolved from a show on which itinerant and starving sous chefs jousted for a chance to pay off credit card debt, into a showcase of serious culinary skills. Several contestants have gone on to greater success, including Stephanie Izard, the winner of two years ago who is universally hailed as one of America's rising culinary stars. The show features regular contributions by the stars of the cooking world (stars?! Really? Really), like Anthony Bourdain, Jacques Pepin, etc. It's also one of the few shows with real integrity. But then, if you're reading this, you probably know all this already.

4. No Reservations-Some say this show has lost its edge. I say those people are stupid. Don't hate the player, hate the game. Bourdain is an average writer (Kitchen Confidential, great read, his fiction, don't know, don't care) with a great personality, discerning taste in all things and a sincere passion for food. He finds the compelling in every place he visits. In places as diverse as the Ozarks and Dubai, he ferrets out the real connections between place and food. There are plenty of moments that will make you laugh, and plenty that will genuinely move you. I think of his visit to the Plain of Jars in Cambodia. Or one of his visits to Japan where we witness a solitary man making rice noodles by hand, in a fashion that will likely die with him. Along the way, we meet plenty of Tony's friends, cooks like Michael Symon and Eric Ripert, writers like Daniel Woodrell (Winter's Bone) and Jim Harrison (Legends of the Fall). Truly compelling television. Even if you don't like food all that much.

5. Kitchen Nightmares (American and British versions). Here's the premise. A restaurant is failing. A family is failing. The owners call upon Gordon Ramsay to help them fix it. He comes in and tells them their food sucks. They argue. They cry. (Well, Gordon doesn't) Everyone talks about their feelings. Having reduced everyone to quivering piles of goo, Ramsay then rebuilds them. He teaches them to cook. He teaches them to live! Et voila, that most cherished of American dreams; redemption. Is it cheesy? Sure. But Gordon Ramsay, say what you will about him, genuinely cares about food. And he's a spectacular leader. Maybe I'm a gullible sap, but I think he changes lives on this show.

6. Top Chef Masters-Just like the mothership only with accomplished chefs competing for charity. And no Padma Lakshi. Who, by the way, scares the hell out of me. But still a good way to kill an hour.

7. Hell's Kitchen-Yes, Gordon Ramsay's temper is rapidly becoming a cliche. Yes, the contestants are cast in roles (Asian tramp, crazy guy, Latina tramp, slutty white chick, black tramp, nerdy guy with glasses, four or so people who can cook, blimpy pasty guy from NY or NY) rather than chosen for ability. Yes, yes, the show has an all too familiar arc and is impossible to keep up with outside of DVR or Tivo. (Seriously, it'll be on two or three nights in a row and then sometimes for two hours instead of one. What's up with that?) But as said above, the chef that is Ramsay is a leader. And like him or not, you would follow him too. He turns spuds into chefs. (Or at least respectable cooks.) And every once in awhile, you'll see some absolutely bizarre television. To wit: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzBnFutegJE

8. America's Next Great Restaurant-A dozen or so weirdos of varying ability and craziness who think they've figured out the theme of the next restaurant to compete in the fast casual market. Bobby Flay is a judge, which doesn't annoy me as much as it might have a few years ago, as is Curtis Stone who is very pleasant in an Australian sort of way. It also has Steve Ellis, who always introduces himself as "Steve Ellis, the founder of Chipotle," which, I imagine, is also his standard pickup line with the tramps of Hell's Kitchen.

9. Food Fight-Simple and direct. Who makes the best hot dog in Boise? Well, here's two restaurants who say they do. Let's get it on! Also features a perky, ambiguously ethnic hostess. She could be Puerto Rican, she could be Italian. Sort of like the guy who replaced Steve on Blue's Clues. Not quite dark enough to be threatening, just dark enough to be vaguely exotic. Guessing is half the fun!

10. Restaurant Impossible-Kitchen Nightmares lite. A bigger, louder Scotsman at the helm. Less money. Less time. Less everything! Hooray!

11. Throwdown-Bobby Flay says he can make your signature dish better than you can. Sometimes, he's right.

12. Ace of Cakes-It's gone now. Seemed harmless enough.

13. All of those shows featuring people eating repulsive shit-Man vs. Food, Bizarre Foods, etc. What's the premise of these? "Hey, watch as I try to eat a whole pile of yellow stuff! Hey look, it's moving! God, I should have taken the LSAT again" I used to wonder who watched these shows. ( I used to wonder if anyone thought Tom Green was worth emulating. Then I saw Adam Richman) Then I got married to my wife who happens to be Navajo and I met the in-laws. Now I know the answer. Quite rightly, brown people enjoy watching white people hurt themselves for no good reason whatsoever. Who can blame them? Seriously though, these shows are beyond stupid. There's another coming where two guys eat the spiciest food they can find. Super. I imagine they'll say things like "Extreme!" and "Awesome!" and compare the next morning's explosive bowel movement. Yawn. Count me out.

13. Top Chef Just Desserts-Ouch. Ow, quit it! A few things you should know about me. I watch home decorating shows. I watch Project Runway. I enjoy the short stories of Somerset Maugham and the novels of Jane Austen. I listen to David Bowie and Peggy Lee.

I never thought I would run into a show that was simply too gay for me. And I don't mean too homosexual. I mean too gay. Clarification: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mKSj_dD09M&feature=related

Until the airing of this abomination of a show. Christ.

So that's it. I know I'm certainly forgetting or omitting shows. Tough. It's my blog.